Funny People - Norm Macdonald

 

Norm Macdonald

Macdonald made his start in his native Canada performing stand-up in clubs and the Montreal Just For Laughs Comedy Festival. He joined the cast of Saturday Night Live in 1993 where he spent the next five years and became one of the most memorable performers on the series. During his SNL stint, Macdonald began his acting career in films including Billy Madison and The People vs. Larry Flynt.

After SNL, Macdonald continued to perform in films and television where he also served as a writer including his own series The Norm Show and the film Dirty Work. With an interest in sport, Macdonald has hosted the ESPY Awards and Sports Show with Norm Macdonald. He is one of the favourite guests on talk shows Conan and Late Night with David Letterman. Macdonald currently hosts the weekly podcast Norm Macdonald Live.

Memorable quotes / jokes

Late Night with Conan O'Brien -

(Conan talking to Courtney Thorne-Smith about working on a film with Carrot Top with Norm Macdonald as co-guest)

Conan: Do you have a scene where you and him embrace?

CTS: Yeah lots of making out.

Conan: Oh for God sake.

CTS: Nothing but making out. It's like nine and a half weeks, but Carrot Top.

Conan: Wow I've got to check out that movie.

Norm: Is it called nine and a half seconds? It's like he's a premature ejaculator.

Conan: You know what happens, this is what happens. He said nine and a half seconds and I'm looking at him because I know there's more. Then I wait and wait and I see the glimmer in the eye and then bang. I thought you were going to crack whore but no. But what's the movie going to be called, really?

Norm: I know what it's going to be called.

Conan: Yeah what's that?

Norm: If this guy Carrot Top is going to be in it you know what a good name for it would be?

Conan: What's that Norm?

Norm: Box Office Poison.

Conan: Courtney Thorne-Smith, the girl sitting to your left is in the movie.

Norm: I'm going to go see it for her.

CTS: Have you scarred everybody else away?

Norm: No I love this girl. I've seen any movie with this girl in it. She's a beautiful lady and a talented, nice talk show guest.

Conan: As evidence on her appearance on our rival show! Alright well there's this two hour season finale of Melrose Place, there's this movie coming out, title undetermined at this point.

CTS: Chairman of the Board.

Conan: Oh alright. Do something with that you freak (Norm).

Norm: I bet the board is spelt bored.

Dennis Miller Live -

Norm: I was just thinking you know because they've got that Viagra thing out and the other day Bob Dole came right out and said...

Dennis: He was one of the first.

Norm: Yeah and you know you don't want to hear about Bob Dole's cock you know. I mean President Clinton's cock, Bob Dole's cock what the hell. But mostly an old man like that, an old man, you don't want him to have a super hard cock you know what I mean.

Dennis: Why?

Norm: Why? Because an old man you want him to be a guy with a pipe going, a newspaper, the dog at his feet there.

Dennis: Well that in some corners is considered pipe. 

Norm: Oh well now they're going to have to create some god-damn pill that makes women aroused to save a fucking 70 year old dude with a super hard cock, you know what I'm saying.