Funny People - Milton Berle

Milton Berle

Known in the early days of American television as "Uncle Miltie", Milton Berle was an early American television star. Berle spent almost his entire life in the entertainment business, starting out as a child actor before moving on to Vaudeville. As well as acting, Berle was prominent on radio in the 1930s and 1940s before bringing his vaudeville act to television. The Texaco Star Theatre established Berle as a major American television star when it dominated television ratings during it's run in the late 1940s and early 1950s. 

Berle founded the Friars Club of Beverly Hills in 1947 along with Jimmy Durante, Bing Crosby and others. Berle hosted his own television show in the late 1950s before appearing on various television shows and films including The Bellboy, It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World and The Muppet Movie.  He was noted for his guidance of many up-and-coming comedians and his stand-up comedy abilities were showcased on the Friars Club Roasts in Beverly Hills and New York and The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast.

Memorable quotes / jokes

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast (Jackie Gleason) -

(Speaking about Dean Martin) Brilliant this man, what a mind, he thinks Cicely Tyson is an Italian restaurant.

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast (Redd Foxx) - 

Milton Berle: Ladies and gentleman may I say the Blacks have it made... because they can walk home alone at three o'clock in the morning.
Slappy White: What about the Jews?
Milton Berle: What about the Jews... just remember Slappy you need the Jews. The Blacks got the rhythm, but the Jews own the instrument.

Funny People - Norm Macdonald

 

Norm Macdonald

Macdonald made his start in his native Canada performing stand-up in clubs and the Montreal Just For Laughs Comedy Festival. He joined the cast of Saturday Night Live in 1993 where he spent the next five years and became one of the most memorable performers on the series. During his SNL stint, Macdonald began his acting career in films including Billy Madison and The People vs. Larry Flynt.

After SNL, Macdonald continued to perform in films and television where he also served as a writer including his own series The Norm Show and the film Dirty Work. With an interest in sport, Macdonald has hosted the ESPY Awards and Sports Show with Norm Macdonald. He is one of the favourite guests on talk shows Conan and Late Night with David Letterman. Macdonald currently hosts the weekly podcast Norm Macdonald Live.

Memorable quotes / jokes

Late Night with Conan O'Brien -

(Conan talking to Courtney Thorne-Smith about working on a film with Carrot Top with Norm Macdonald as co-guest)

Conan: Do you have a scene where you and him embrace?

CTS: Yeah lots of making out.

Conan: Oh for God sake.

CTS: Nothing but making out. It's like nine and a half weeks, but Carrot Top.

Conan: Wow I've got to check out that movie.

Norm: Is it called nine and a half seconds? It's like he's a premature ejaculator.

Conan: You know what happens, this is what happens. He said nine and a half seconds and I'm looking at him because I know there's more. Then I wait and wait and I see the glimmer in the eye and then bang. I thought you were going to crack whore but no. But what's the movie going to be called, really?

Norm: I know what it's going to be called.

Conan: Yeah what's that?

Norm: If this guy Carrot Top is going to be in it you know what a good name for it would be?

Conan: What's that Norm?

Norm: Box Office Poison.

Conan: Courtney Thorne-Smith, the girl sitting to your left is in the movie.

Norm: I'm going to go see it for her.

CTS: Have you scarred everybody else away?

Norm: No I love this girl. I've seen any movie with this girl in it. She's a beautiful lady and a talented, nice talk show guest.

Conan: As evidence on her appearance on our rival show! Alright well there's this two hour season finale of Melrose Place, there's this movie coming out, title undetermined at this point.

CTS: Chairman of the Board.

Conan: Oh alright. Do something with that you freak (Norm).

Norm: I bet the board is spelt bored.

Dennis Miller Live -

Norm: I was just thinking you know because they've got that Viagra thing out and the other day Bob Dole came right out and said...

Dennis: He was one of the first.

Norm: Yeah and you know you don't want to hear about Bob Dole's cock you know. I mean President Clinton's cock, Bob Dole's cock what the hell. But mostly an old man like that, an old man, you don't want him to have a super hard cock you know what I mean.

Dennis: Why?

Norm: Why? Because an old man you want him to be a guy with a pipe going, a newspaper, the dog at his feet there.

Dennis: Well that in some corners is considered pipe. 

Norm: Oh well now they're going to have to create some god-damn pill that makes women aroused to save a fucking 70 year old dude with a super hard cock, you know what I'm saying. 

Funny People - Lloyd Bridges

Lloyd Bridges

Jeff Bridges began his acting career in the late 1930s with roles in theatre, feature films and short films. Following duty in the U.S. Coast Guard, he continued a career in acting and worked on television. His television work includes The Alcoa Hour (Emmy Award Nomination), Sea Hunt, The Lloyd Bridges Show, The Loner, Paper Dolls and Harts of the West. 

Bridges also had roles in mini-series including Roots, How the West Was Won and The Blue and the Grey. For his role as Izzy Mandelbaum on Seinfeld, Bridges earned his second Emmy nomination. Bridges appeared in over 150 feature films during his career including A Walk In The Sun, High Noon, Little Big Horn and Sahara.

Although not a complete stranger to comedy, Bridges found new success away from dramatic roles towards the end of his career. Bridges showed a comedic talent in the films Airplane! (Flying High!), Hot Shots!, Hot Shots! Part Deux and Jane Austen's Mafia!

Memorable quotes / jokes

Hot Shots! Part Deux

(President Benson in a lightsaber fight with Saddam Hussein)

SH: Your powers are weak old man, you should not have come.

PB (Bridges): Yeah well I have. We'll settle this the old Navy way, first guy to die... looses!

Jane Austen's Mafia!

(Vincenzo makes a speech at his son Joey's wedding)

Vincenzo (Bridges): Marriage, the bond that binds us together. Myself I've been married to the same wonderful woman for 42 years. Of course, sex stopped for us about a week after the wedding, as it should. I love my Rosa as much today as I did the first time I forced myself on her. But eh, how about this one here (the bride), breasts like cabbages and how about that ass, you can play Canasta on it. So Joey, remember this old Sicilian proverb - Marriage is like a piece of cheese... (waits for applause).

Funny People - Roberto Benigni

Robert Benigni

Benigni began his career as a theatre actor, later making a move to television. After making a name for himself on Italian television, Benigni made his film debut in 1977 in Berlinguer ti voglio bene (Berlinguer, I Love You). Benigni directed his first film, Tu mi turbi (You Upset Me) in 1983 which he also wrote and gave his future wife Nicoletta Braschi her film debut, which was to be the beginning of an on-screen partnership. 

In 1986, Benigni starred in Jim Jarmusch's Down by Law and gained attention outside of Italy. Following Down by Law, Benigni appeared in Jarmusch's Night on Earth and starred, directed and co-wrote Italian films including Non ci resta che piangere (Nothing Left To Do But Cry), Il piccolo diavolo (The Little Devil), Johnny Stecchino (Johnny Toothpick) and Il mostro (The Monster).

Benigni's greatest achievement came in 1997 when he co-wrote, directed and starred in La vita è bella (Life Is Beautiful). La vita è bella won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Film and earned Benigni the Best Actor award (Benigni stood on seats and thanked the crowd on his way to the stage to accept the award).

Benigni has since starred in and directed Pinocchio, La tigre e la neve (The Tiger and the Snow) and appeared in Jarmusch's Coffee and Cigarettes and Woody Allen's To Rome with Love. Benigni has also been active in politics and political satire, holds honorary degrees in a number of areas and has performed the highly successful one-man show TuttoDante (Everything About Dante).

Memorable quotes / jokes

Johnny Stecchino -

(Unaware that he is the guinea pig for a loathed gangster that he is identical to, Johnny naively believes the audience in the theatre are angry at him for taking a banana that he didn't get a chance to pay for at the food court)

(English subtitles)
Johnny (Benigni): All right, then. Lets put an end to this. I made a mistake, I'll pay. I was waiting for the interval. But if I have to, I'll pay now.
Audience Member: What's all this dribble? Trying to set us up again?
Johnny: "Set up"? You're doing that. You'll get your money. Here... a fiver! OK? Paid.
Audience Member: This is your last insult.
Johnny: What do you want?
Audience Member: There is no price
Johnny: No price? What do bananas cost in Palermo? What, then?
Audience Member: You know exactly what we want.
Johnny: I'll give it back, OK? Money and all. Here...
Audience Member: Look out! He's got a bomb (Crowd runs away)
(Johnny pulls out the banana from his pocket)
Johnny: Here it is. Happy now? Cheapskates.

La vita è bella -

(When a Nazi officer at the prisoner camp asks if anyone speaks German to translate for him, Guido accepts to make his son believe they are involved in a game instead of following commands)

(English subtitles)
(The Nazi officer addresses the prisoners and then Guido translates)
Guido (Benigni): The game starts now: whoever's here is here, whoever's not is not. The first one to get a thousand points wins. The prize is a tank! Lucky him! Every day we'll announce who's in the lead from that loudspeaker. The one with the least points has to wear a sign saying "jackass" right here on his back. We play the part of the real mean guys who yell. Whoever's scared loses points. You'll lose your points for three things. One: if you cry, two: if you want to see your mommy, three: if you're hungry and you want a snack. Forget about it! It's easy to lose points for being hungry. Just yesterday I lost 40 points because I absolutely had to have a jam sandwich. Apricot jam! He wanted strawberry... Don't ask for any lollipops, you won't get any. We eat them all! I ate twenty of them yesterday! What a stomachache... But they sure were good. You bet... Sorry if I'm going so fast, but I'm playing hide and seek.

Funny People - Mary Coustas

Mary Coustas

Better know to the public as Effie, Mary Coustas is a veteran of Australian television and theatre. Coustas made her name as part of the cast of the stage show Wogs Out of Work. She went on to become a star of the sitcom Acropolis Now and won the 1993 Logie for Most Popular Comedy Performer. Coustas appeared in a number of dramatic and comedy series, films and provided voice-over work during the 1990s and 2000s, including hosting her own television shows Effie, Just Quietly and Greeks On The Roof. Coustas has also performed a number of one-woman live shows including Effie X-Posed, Waiting For Effie and A Date With Effie...Looking For Love.

Memorable quotes / jokes

Effie

"How embarrassment"

"Oh classic!" 

"Suck-features" 

"Wog-breath"

Good Morning Australia -

(On her exchange with Demis Roussos)

We were just standing there to do a photo shoot with him and it was like...silent, no one was saying anything. And then I just thought well I better make some conversation, so I said, "Um Demis you know, maybe Alex (Dimitriades) and I will bump into you in Athens some time," and he said, "I don't live in Athens." And I said, "Oh, well where do you live?" and he said "I live in Paris!" Then I got a little upset with him and said, "Well maybe we'll find you in Paris then!"

Funny People - Lenny Bruce

Lenny Bruce

The man that paved the way for all future counter-culture and outspoken comics. Bruce almost single-handedly introduced the world to political in-correctness, thereby suffering the consequences. During his era, profanity was prohibited in public and Bruce was tried and arrested a few times for obscenity. Beginning his career as a nightclub act, he married a burlesque dancer named Honey Harlow, whose profession would later impact their marriage.

After a few years of a partnership act with his wife in clubs, Bruce went solo and performed at more mainstream venues, earning good money. Bruce went on to earn a few admirers, but the rest of the world was against him. A hard-living lifestyle and persistent legal problems eventually caught up with him until he eventually became bankrupt and depressed. Lenny Bruce passed away from a Morphine overdose at age 40 in 1966.

Memorable quotes / jokes

"Take away the right to say "fuck" and you take away the right to say "fuck the government."

"A lot of people say to me, "Why did you kill Christ?" "I dunno...it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know." "We killed him because he didn't want to become a doctor, that's why we killed him."

"The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is."

Funny People - Chris Farley

Chris Farley

Chris Farley started his comedy career at the Ark Improv Theatre in Madison, Wisconsin and then in Chicago at the Improv Olympic Theatre and Second City Theatre. In 1990, he joined the cast of Saturday Night Live with Chris Rock. With his over-the-top physical comedy and energy he became one of the stars of SNL and along with David Spade, Adam Sandler, Chris Rock and Rob Schneider was one of the "Bad Boys of SNL".Many of Farley's SNL sketches are considered classics including Matt Foley the motivational speaker, the Chippendale dancer and The Chris Farley Show. 

He featured in the films Wayne's World, Airheads, Coneheads and Billy Madison while at SNL and had starring roles in Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Beverly Hills Ninja and Almost Heroes after his SNL stint. Farley was also a notable guest on late night television shows with his energetic entrances and antics. He died on December 18, 1997 from cocaine and morphine overdose at the age of 33.

Memorable quotes / jokes

Down By The River (SNL)

Matt Foley (Chris Farley) : Now you kids are probably saying to yourselves, "Hey I'm going to go out and I'm going to get the world by the tail and wrap it around and pull it down put it in my pocket!" Well I'm here to tell you that your probably going to find out as you go out there, that you're not going to amount to Jack-squat! You're going to end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van down by the river! Now young man, what do you want to do with your life?

Brian (David Spade) : Actually Matt, I kind of want to be a writer.

Matt Foley : Well, la-dee-frickin-da!

Late Show with David Letterman -

I remember one time in grade school at St. Patrick's, my mom was in a semi-circle with a bunch of nuns around it and they were saying, "You know the students at school are laughing at Christopher, not with him."