Funny People - Milton Berle

Milton Berle

Known in the early days of American television as "Uncle Miltie", Milton Berle was an early American television star. Berle spent almost his entire life in the entertainment business, starting out as a child actor before moving on to Vaudeville. As well as acting, Berle was prominent on radio in the 1930s and 1940s before bringing his vaudeville act to television. The Texaco Star Theatre established Berle as a major American television star when it dominated television ratings during it's run in the late 1940s and early 1950s. 

Berle founded the Friars Club of Beverly Hills in 1947 along with Jimmy Durante, Bing Crosby and others. Berle hosted his own television show in the late 1950s before appearing on various television shows and films including The Bellboy, It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World and The Muppet Movie.  He was noted for his guidance of many up-and-coming comedians and his stand-up comedy abilities were showcased on the Friars Club Roasts in Beverly Hills and New York and The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast.

Memorable quotes / jokes

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast (Jackie Gleason) -

(Speaking about Dean Martin) Brilliant this man, what a mind, he thinks Cicely Tyson is an Italian restaurant.

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast (Redd Foxx) - 

Milton Berle: Ladies and gentleman may I say the Blacks have it made... because they can walk home alone at three o'clock in the morning.
Slappy White: What about the Jews?
Milton Berle: What about the Jews... just remember Slappy you need the Jews. The Blacks got the rhythm, but the Jews own the instrument.

Funny People - Norm Macdonald

 

Norm Macdonald

Macdonald made his start in his native Canada performing stand-up in clubs and the Montreal Just For Laughs Comedy Festival. He joined the cast of Saturday Night Live in 1993 where he spent the next five years and became one of the most memorable performers on the series. During his SNL stint, Macdonald began his acting career in films including Billy Madison and The People vs. Larry Flynt.

After SNL, Macdonald continued to perform in films and television where he also served as a writer including his own series The Norm Show and the film Dirty Work. With an interest in sport, Macdonald has hosted the ESPY Awards and Sports Show with Norm Macdonald. He is one of the favourite guests on talk shows Conan and Late Night with David Letterman. Macdonald currently hosts the weekly podcast Norm Macdonald Live.

Memorable quotes / jokes

Late Night with Conan O'Brien -

(Conan talking to Courtney Thorne-Smith about working on a film with Carrot Top with Norm Macdonald as co-guest)

Conan: Do you have a scene where you and him embrace?

CTS: Yeah lots of making out.

Conan: Oh for God sake.

CTS: Nothing but making out. It's like nine and a half weeks, but Carrot Top.

Conan: Wow I've got to check out that movie.

Norm: Is it called nine and a half seconds? It's like he's a premature ejaculator.

Conan: You know what happens, this is what happens. He said nine and a half seconds and I'm looking at him because I know there's more. Then I wait and wait and I see the glimmer in the eye and then bang. I thought you were going to crack whore but no. But what's the movie going to be called, really?

Norm: I know what it's going to be called.

Conan: Yeah what's that?

Norm: If this guy Carrot Top is going to be in it you know what a good name for it would be?

Conan: What's that Norm?

Norm: Box Office Poison.

Conan: Courtney Thorne-Smith, the girl sitting to your left is in the movie.

Norm: I'm going to go see it for her.

CTS: Have you scarred everybody else away?

Norm: No I love this girl. I've seen any movie with this girl in it. She's a beautiful lady and a talented, nice talk show guest.

Conan: As evidence on her appearance on our rival show! Alright well there's this two hour season finale of Melrose Place, there's this movie coming out, title undetermined at this point.

CTS: Chairman of the Board.

Conan: Oh alright. Do something with that you freak (Norm).

Norm: I bet the board is spelt bored.

Dennis Miller Live -

Norm: I was just thinking you know because they've got that Viagra thing out and the other day Bob Dole came right out and said...

Dennis: He was one of the first.

Norm: Yeah and you know you don't want to hear about Bob Dole's cock you know. I mean President Clinton's cock, Bob Dole's cock what the hell. But mostly an old man like that, an old man, you don't want him to have a super hard cock you know what I mean.

Dennis: Why?

Norm: Why? Because an old man you want him to be a guy with a pipe going, a newspaper, the dog at his feet there.

Dennis: Well that in some corners is considered pipe. 

Norm: Oh well now they're going to have to create some god-damn pill that makes women aroused to save a fucking 70 year old dude with a super hard cock, you know what I'm saying. 

Funny People - Lloyd Bridges

Lloyd Bridges

Jeff Bridges began his acting career in the late 1930s with roles in theatre, feature films and short films. Following duty in the U.S. Coast Guard, he continued a career in acting and worked on television. His television work includes The Alcoa Hour (Emmy Award Nomination), Sea Hunt, The Lloyd Bridges Show, The Loner, Paper Dolls and Harts of the West. 

Bridges also had roles in mini-series including Roots, How the West Was Won and The Blue and the Grey. For his role as Izzy Mandelbaum on Seinfeld, Bridges earned his second Emmy nomination. Bridges appeared in over 150 feature films during his career including A Walk In The Sun, High Noon, Little Big Horn and Sahara.

Although not a complete stranger to comedy, Bridges found new success away from dramatic roles towards the end of his career. Bridges showed a comedic talent in the films Airplane! (Flying High!), Hot Shots!, Hot Shots! Part Deux and Jane Austen's Mafia!

Memorable quotes / jokes

Hot Shots! Part Deux

(President Benson in a lightsaber fight with Saddam Hussein)

SH: Your powers are weak old man, you should not have come.

PB (Bridges): Yeah well I have. We'll settle this the old Navy way, first guy to die... looses!

Jane Austen's Mafia!

(Vincenzo makes a speech at his son Joey's wedding)

Vincenzo (Bridges): Marriage, the bond that binds us together. Myself I've been married to the same wonderful woman for 42 years. Of course, sex stopped for us about a week after the wedding, as it should. I love my Rosa as much today as I did the first time I forced myself on her. But eh, how about this one here (the bride), breasts like cabbages and how about that ass, you can play Canasta on it. So Joey, remember this old Sicilian proverb - Marriage is like a piece of cheese... (waits for applause).

Funny People - Roberto Benigni

Robert Benigni

Benigni began his career as a theatre actor, later making a move to television. After making a name for himself on Italian television, Benigni made his film debut in 1977 in Berlinguer ti voglio bene (Berlinguer, I Love You). Benigni directed his first film, Tu mi turbi (You Upset Me) in 1983 which he also wrote and gave his future wife Nicoletta Braschi her film debut, which was to be the beginning of an on-screen partnership. 

In 1986, Benigni starred in Jim Jarmusch's Down by Law and gained attention outside of Italy. Following Down by Law, Benigni appeared in Jarmusch's Night on Earth and starred, directed and co-wrote Italian films including Non ci resta che piangere (Nothing Left To Do But Cry), Il piccolo diavolo (The Little Devil), Johnny Stecchino (Johnny Toothpick) and Il mostro (The Monster).

Benigni's greatest achievement came in 1997 when he co-wrote, directed and starred in La vita è bella (Life Is Beautiful). La vita è bella won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Film and earned Benigni the Best Actor award (Benigni stood on seats and thanked the crowd on his way to the stage to accept the award).

Benigni has since starred in and directed Pinocchio, La tigre e la neve (The Tiger and the Snow) and appeared in Jarmusch's Coffee and Cigarettes and Woody Allen's To Rome with Love. Benigni has also been active in politics and political satire, holds honorary degrees in a number of areas and has performed the highly successful one-man show TuttoDante (Everything About Dante).

Memorable quotes / jokes

Johnny Stecchino -

(Unaware that he is the guinea pig for a loathed gangster that he is identical to, Johnny naively believes the audience in the theatre are angry at him for taking a banana that he didn't get a chance to pay for at the food court)

(English subtitles)
Johnny (Benigni): All right, then. Lets put an end to this. I made a mistake, I'll pay. I was waiting for the interval. But if I have to, I'll pay now.
Audience Member: What's all this dribble? Trying to set us up again?
Johnny: "Set up"? You're doing that. You'll get your money. Here... a fiver! OK? Paid.
Audience Member: This is your last insult.
Johnny: What do you want?
Audience Member: There is no price
Johnny: No price? What do bananas cost in Palermo? What, then?
Audience Member: You know exactly what we want.
Johnny: I'll give it back, OK? Money and all. Here...
Audience Member: Look out! He's got a bomb (Crowd runs away)
(Johnny pulls out the banana from his pocket)
Johnny: Here it is. Happy now? Cheapskates.

La vita è bella -

(When a Nazi officer at the prisoner camp asks if anyone speaks German to translate for him, Guido accepts to make his son believe they are involved in a game instead of following commands)

(English subtitles)
(The Nazi officer addresses the prisoners and then Guido translates)
Guido (Benigni): The game starts now: whoever's here is here, whoever's not is not. The first one to get a thousand points wins. The prize is a tank! Lucky him! Every day we'll announce who's in the lead from that loudspeaker. The one with the least points has to wear a sign saying "jackass" right here on his back. We play the part of the real mean guys who yell. Whoever's scared loses points. You'll lose your points for three things. One: if you cry, two: if you want to see your mommy, three: if you're hungry and you want a snack. Forget about it! It's easy to lose points for being hungry. Just yesterday I lost 40 points because I absolutely had to have a jam sandwich. Apricot jam! He wanted strawberry... Don't ask for any lollipops, you won't get any. We eat them all! I ate twenty of them yesterday! What a stomachache... But they sure were good. You bet... Sorry if I'm going so fast, but I'm playing hide and seek.

Funny People - Mary Coustas

Mary Coustas

Better know to the public as Effie, Mary Coustas is a veteran of Australian television and theatre. Coustas made her name as part of the cast of the stage show Wogs Out of Work. She went on to become a star of the sitcom Acropolis Now and won the 1993 Logie for Most Popular Comedy Performer. Coustas appeared in a number of dramatic and comedy series, films and provided voice-over work during the 1990s and 2000s, including hosting her own television shows Effie, Just Quietly and Greeks On The Roof. Coustas has also performed a number of one-woman live shows including Effie X-Posed, Waiting For Effie and A Date With Effie...Looking For Love.

Memorable quotes / jokes

Effie

"How embarrassment"

"Oh classic!" 

"Suck-features" 

"Wog-breath"

Good Morning Australia -

(On her exchange with Demis Roussos)

We were just standing there to do a photo shoot with him and it was like...silent, no one was saying anything. And then I just thought well I better make some conversation, so I said, "Um Demis you know, maybe Alex (Dimitriades) and I will bump into you in Athens some time," and he said, "I don't live in Athens." And I said, "Oh, well where do you live?" and he said "I live in Paris!" Then I got a little upset with him and said, "Well maybe we'll find you in Paris then!"

Funny People - Lenny Bruce

Lenny Bruce

The man that paved the way for all future counter-culture and outspoken comics. Bruce almost single-handedly introduced the world to political in-correctness, thereby suffering the consequences. During his era, profanity was prohibited in public and Bruce was tried and arrested a few times for obscenity. Beginning his career as a nightclub act, he married a burlesque dancer named Honey Harlow, whose profession would later impact their marriage.

After a few years of a partnership act with his wife in clubs, Bruce went solo and performed at more mainstream venues, earning good money. Bruce went on to earn a few admirers, but the rest of the world was against him. A hard-living lifestyle and persistent legal problems eventually caught up with him until he eventually became bankrupt and depressed. Lenny Bruce passed away from a Morphine overdose at age 40 in 1966.

Memorable quotes / jokes

"Take away the right to say "fuck" and you take away the right to say "fuck the government."

"A lot of people say to me, "Why did you kill Christ?" "I dunno...it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know." "We killed him because he didn't want to become a doctor, that's why we killed him."

"The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is."

Funny People - Chris Farley

Chris Farley

Chris Farley started his comedy career at the Ark Improv Theatre in Madison, Wisconsin and then in Chicago at the Improv Olympic Theatre and Second City Theatre. In 1990, he joined the cast of Saturday Night Live with Chris Rock. With his over-the-top physical comedy and energy he became one of the stars of SNL and along with David Spade, Adam Sandler, Chris Rock and Rob Schneider was one of the "Bad Boys of SNL".Many of Farley's SNL sketches are considered classics including Matt Foley the motivational speaker, the Chippendale dancer and The Chris Farley Show. 

He featured in the films Wayne's World, Airheads, Coneheads and Billy Madison while at SNL and had starring roles in Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Beverly Hills Ninja and Almost Heroes after his SNL stint. Farley was also a notable guest on late night television shows with his energetic entrances and antics. He died on December 18, 1997 from cocaine and morphine overdose at the age of 33.

Memorable quotes / jokes

Down By The River (SNL)

Matt Foley (Chris Farley) : Now you kids are probably saying to yourselves, "Hey I'm going to go out and I'm going to get the world by the tail and wrap it around and pull it down put it in my pocket!" Well I'm here to tell you that your probably going to find out as you go out there, that you're not going to amount to Jack-squat! You're going to end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van down by the river! Now young man, what do you want to do with your life?

Brian (David Spade) : Actually Matt, I kind of want to be a writer.

Matt Foley : Well, la-dee-frickin-da!

Late Show with David Letterman -

I remember one time in grade school at St. Patrick's, my mom was in a semi-circle with a bunch of nuns around it and they were saying, "You know the students at school are laughing at Christopher, not with him."

Funny People - Jason Mewes & Kevin Smith

Jay & Silent Bob

Long time friends Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith, both from New Jersey, became the scene-stealers of View Askewniverse after the success of Clerks. Kevin Smith created View Askewniverse (a fictional universe) which has been the setting for six films, two short films, an animated series and comics. The Jay & Silent Bob characters have appeared in all six of the View Askewnivrse films, the animated series (Clerks : The Animated Series), comics, TV and film appearances and music videos, including "Because I Got High" by Afroman. Smith has also directed Jersey Girl, Zack and Miri Make a Porno (Mewes had a role in the film), Cop Out and Red State.

Memorable quotes / jokes

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back -

 (Jay raps in front of the Quick Stop convenience store)

 Jay : Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Mother, Mother, Fuck. Mother, Mother, Fuck, Fuck. Mother-fuck   Mother-fuck. Noich, Noich, Noich. 1,2-1,2,3,4. Noich, Noich, Noich.

 Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz,

 Doin' coke, drinkin' beers,

 Drinkin' beers, beers, beers,

 Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts,

 Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts,

 Rollin' blunts and smoke... (Interrupted by a teenager and his friend)

 Teenager : Uh, let me get a nickel bag.

 (Jay continues rapping)

 Jay : 15 bucks, little man, put that shit in my hand

 If that money doesn't show, then you owe me owe me 0. (Then sings the lyrics to Jungle  Love by Morris Day & The Time)

 (Jay & Silent Bob's stolen monkey has just been stolen and put in to a car)

 Jay : Man, who the fuck just steals a monkey?

 Silent Bob : (Points at themselves)

 Jay : Oh yeah. Well this fucking blows man, we have one more day to stop these fucks from  shooting this movie. And they fucking took the one thing that I had left from the one woman  that I loved enough to not stick my hand down her pants.

 Silent Bob : (Points at themselves and then in the direction of the car)

 Jay : What, go after the monkey? How the fuck do we know where that car's going?

 Silent Bob : (Mimes the sign on the back of the car)

 Jay : Don't just point like (While copying Silent Bob's mime)

 Silent Bob : (Mimes the sign again)

 Jay : You got to take a shit.

 Silent Bob : (Mimes the driver and the monkey)

 Jay : No, no, you got to take a salad.

 Silent Bob : (Give's Jay a confused look)

 Jay : What the fuck are you trying to say? Just say it man, don't make me ask 20  questions.  You can always tell that stupid Amy story all the time, but you can't spit out fuckin',

 "yo Jay I disagree or yo those are some good cheese fries."

 Silent Bob : (Angrily mimes the sign again)

 Jay : Just fuckin' say it already!

 Silent Bob : (Grabs Jay) THE SIGN, ON THE BACK OF THE CAR, SAID "CRITTERS OF  HOLLYWOOD"...YOU DUMB FUCK!

 Jay : Say it, don't spray it.

Funny People - Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks

The Texas Outlaw comic was a prodigy of comedy. He began performing comedy routines at the age of 14, while still in school. Hicks joined the Houston Comedy Workshop when it opened in the late 1970's, and was already a star before he was 18. He worked in L.A. and Texas in his early years and experimented with many drugs, mostly psychedelic, which would become apart of his routine.

He began to make a name for himself in the mid-1980's when he appeared on Letterman and Dangerfield's Young Comedians Special in 1987. His career sky-rocketed in the early 1990's with the releases of his debut comedy album Dangerous and stand-up specials Sane Man and One Night Stand, and had a memorable performance at the 1990 Montreal's Just For Laughs festival. 

Between 1990-1993, Hicks starred in the low budget comedy Ninja Bachelor Party, recorded the music album Marble Head Johnson, toured Britain successfully and released his last two comedy albums/video releases Relentless and Revelations. In mid-1993, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and began to work non-stop, writing books, comedy material, articles and continued to perform on stage. Some of which were released posthumously.

Hicks passed away on 26 February 1994 at the age of 32. His material based on politics, philosophy, religion, drug use and consumerism has left a lasting appreciation by comedians, musicians and fans alike. His audacious stage persona, which was sometimes dark, was his way of opening up people's eyes to the truth. 

Memorable quotes / jokes

"You have to admit beliefs are odd. A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?....That's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a little sniper rifle pendant."

"How about a positive LSD story, wouldn't that be news worthy just once, to base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstitions and lies, just once? I think it would be news worthy. "Today a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.""

Funny People - John Cleese

John Cleese

Cleese's writing and performing abilities were apparent early on in his career, earning him success in theatre, television and radio. Cleese came to prominence when he formed part of the Monty Python comedy group that created the classic four-season series Monty Python's Flying Circus. He then went on to create the sitcom Fawlty Towers with his wife Connie Booth, which was named by the British Film Institute as the best British television series of all time in 2000. The success of Monty Python transferred to the big screen with Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Life of Brian and The Meaning of Life. Cleese has been involved in films and television including television ads, guest appearances on TV shows and films including A Fish Called Wanda, Rat Race, Die Another Day and the final three Shrek films.  

Memorable quotes / jokes

"If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?"

Monty Python and the Holy Grail -

French Soldier / Taunter (Cleese) : I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Funny People - Mel Brooks

Mel Brooks

He loves history, ridiculous behaviour and big tits. Brooks began his comedy career as a stand-up and comedy writer in the late 1940's and became well known in the late 1950's and early 1960's, when he teamed up with entertainer Carl Reiner and created the comedy skit, The 2000 Year Old Man. In 1965, he co-created and wrote the hit comedy series Get Smart. Brooks won the 1968 Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay for The Producers, which he also directed. As well as producing and guest starring in various TV series and films in the 1970's and 1980's, Brooks also directed, co-wrote and acted in hit comedies including Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, History of the World Part I and Spaceballs. He has received three Tony Awards for his film turned musical The Producers, three Grammy Awards, four Emmy Awards and a Saturn Award as well as his 1968 Oscar.

Memorable quotes / jokes

History of the World: Part I -

Comicus (Brooks) : Have you heard of this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot! First of all, they are so poor..... (waits for helper in the audience)

Swiftus (Comicus' Helper) : How poor are they?

Comicus : Thank you! They are so poor, that they only have one God!

Crowd : (Laughs)

Comicus : But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of Gods. We've got a God for everything. The only thing we don't have a God for is premature ejaculation...but I hear that's coming quickly.

Blazing Saddles -

Hedley Lamarr : As attorney-general, I can assure you that a suitable sheriff will be found to restore the peace in Rock Ridge. Meeting adjourned (hits the Governor's gavel). Oh, I am sorry, sir, I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.

Governor Le Petomane (Brooks) : What?

Lamarr : Meeting is adjourned.

Governor : It is?

Lamarr : No, you say that Governor.

Governor : What?

Lamarr : Meeting is adjourned.

Governor : It is?

Lamarr : (Sighing in frustration, he gives the Governor a paddleball) Here play around with this for a while.

Governor : Oh, thank you Heddy.

Lamarr : No, it's Hedley!

Governor : It is?

Funny People - Nick Giannopolous

Nick Giannopolous

The Australian stand-up comedian, actor, writer, producer and director took the word "wog" (referring to Southern Europeans in Australia) from an ethnic slur to a new brand of comedy. In the late 1980's, he co-wrote and produced the stage show Wogs Out of Work and toured the country with some of Australia's biggest name comedians including Simon Palomares, George Kapiniaris and Mary Coustas. Wogs Out of Work went on to become one of the highest grossing Australian live shows of all time. The success of the show led to one of the most successful Australian sitcoms of all time, Acropolis Now, which he co-starred with the cast of Wogs Out of Work. Giannopolous toured Australia in the 1990's and 2000's with stage shows including Wog Boys, Wog-A-Rama and Wog Story. In 2000, he co-wrote, co-produced and starred in the Australian hit comedy film The Wog Boy. The Wog Boy went on to become the 18th highest grossing Australian film of all time and spawned a sequel in 2010. 

Memorable quotes / jokes

The Wog Boy -

(Steve the bingo host awarding the winner with the prize)

Steve (Giannopolous) : Congratulations Mr. Lee, you have won an authentic plaster lion courtesy of Mannolis Plaster Emporium alright.
Mr. Lee : But Vietnamese have elephant not lion.
Steve : Elephant. Lion. The same.
Mr. Lee : They is?
Steve : Yeah, you see Mr.Lee, in Australia...eh...same, same everything's same. My father came to Australia on a boat. And you came on a boat too, the only difference is your boat...was a little bit smaller.

Acropolis Now -

(Jim makes a statement to his co-workers)

Jim (Giannopolous) : Wherever there's trouble, that's where you'll find me. Wherever there's injustice, that's where I am. Mate, for my friend Memo here I would climb every mountain, forward every stream. Look up in the sky...it's a bird, it's a plane...
Memo (Kapiniaris) : It's your eyebrow.
Jim : No, it's Superwog! Yes Superwog, who disguised as souvlaki shop owner Clark Kentopolous, fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and the Hellenic way. Up, up and Tzatziki!

(Meeting Lars for the first time)

Lars : Allow me to introduce myself. Lars Larsen, Swedish from Stockholm.
Jim : Jim Stephanidis, Aussie from Athens.

Funny People - Leslie Nielsen

Leslie Nielsen

After spending four decades as a serious actor starting in 1948, Leslie Nielsen became in the words of famed film critic Roger Ebert, "the Laurence Olivier of spoofs." Nielsen spent years on stage, television and film playing serious roles until 1980 when he played the iconic role of Dr. Rumack in the classic comedy, Airplane! (Flying High!). While he continued to work in all areas of serious acting, he continued to play characters with a deadpan comedy style who were seemingly unaware of what was happening around them. His most famous roles include Lt. Frank Drebin in The Naked Gun trilogy, Dick Steele in Spy Hard, Ryan Harrison in Wrongfully Accused and President Harris in Scary Movie 3 & 4. Nielsen passed away on the 28 November 2010 at the age of 84. He chose "Let 'er rip" as his epitaph.

Memorable quotes / jokes

Airplane! - 

Ted Striker : Surely you can't be serious?
Dr. Rumack (Nielsen) : I am serious. And don't call me Shirley

Dr. Rumack says to Ted Striker and Elaine Dickinson before, during and after they are landing the plane, "I just want to tell you both, good luck. We're all counting on you."

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad -

Jane Spencer : I've heard police work is dangerous.

Lt. Frank Drebin (Nielsen) : It is. That's why I carry a big gun.

JS : Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?

FD : I used to have that problem.

JS : What did you do about it?

FD : I just think about baseball.

Funny People - Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

He loved crowds and got no respect, but became the king of comedy. Rodney Dangerfield started off in the business under the name "Jack Roy" and failed to breakthrough for many years, failing to perform an act that audiences responded to. He adopted the name "Rodney Dangerfield" in the 1960's and revived his career with a new stage persona. His career sky-rocketed in the 1980's after his comedy album, No Respect, won a Grammy Award and he played memorable roles in films including Caddyshack, Easy Money and Back to School. Perhaps his greatest achievement was his comedy club Dangerfield's. He would perform shows there and hosted HBO comedy specials for up-and-coming and headline comedians including Jerry Seinfeld, Jim Carrey, Andrew Dice Clay, Dom Irrera, Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks and Roseanne Barr.

Memorable quotes / jokes

"In Vegas you gotta go broke, they got slot machines all over, even in supermarkets. I bought a dozen eggs it cost me $442."

"My wife, she never went for me. The first time I called her up she told me to come on over there's nobody home. I went over there was nobody home."

"I was poor. Once on my birthday my old man showed me a picture of a cake."

Funny People - Sam Kinison

Sam Kinison

Compared to other comedians, Sam Kinison was not involved in comedy for many years but while he was, he was the man. He influenced comedians younger and older than himself with his unique presence and communication skills. From his late teenage years to young adulthood, he had followed in his father's footsteps as a Pentecostal preacher. Preaching turned out to be the wrong path and he changed to comedy starting in Texas. After performing stand-up in the comedy club scene, his breakthrough came when he appeared on a Rodney Dangerfield HBO special in 1984. Appearances on late night television and film roles followed and he became one of the biggest names in comedy. He had a passion for rock music and would perform with a band on stage at his stand-up shows. He died in 1992 when he was 38, in a car accident as he was on his way to perform a show in Nevada. 

Memorable jokes / quotes

It's Not Easy Bein' Me (HBO Special) :

Women are always on the outs going, "Well how come you don't talk about men? How come you never say what's wrong with men? How come you only talk about what women do? How come you..." Oh there's a reason!...There's a fucking reason! Because a man never broke my fucking heart! A man never lied to me in love. A man never made me wanna drive my car...in to a fucking wall!

Young Comedians Special (HBO) :

It occurred to us that there wouldn't be world hunger if you people would live where the food is! Get out of the desert, it seems like you live in a fucking desert! Nothing grows out here, nothing's gonna grow out here! You see this huh? This is sand, yeah it's sand. You know what it's going to be in a hundred years from now huh? It's gonna be fucking sand! You live in a fucking desert! Get your kids, get your shit, we'll make one trip. We'll take you to where the food is. We have deserts in America, we just don't live in them asshole!